I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
