I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
