The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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