if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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