So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
