Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
