If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
