I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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