i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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