I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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