I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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