you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
