I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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