i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
