True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i think i have herpe
just one?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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