New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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