walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
