i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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