No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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