To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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