I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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