Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
