my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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