i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Who died my cat blue again?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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