I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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