Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
