apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
