I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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