get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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