you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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