woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
