Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
