We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
