just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How's work?
Spinning.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
