Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
