broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
