Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
