Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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