hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i out mim tonsoeep
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
