i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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