I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
