I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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