HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
