To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
