what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
