It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
