1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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