who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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