Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
