My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
