I accidentally had phone sex last night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
